Only Steps Away

I love talking about relationships!
In my travels I've enjoyed being able to share with teens and adults some of the Biblical principles that God gives us to ensure we can have the greatest dating and married relationships possible.

From his book, Love For a Lifetime, Dr. James Dobson inserts the findings from doctors Joy and Morris about the steps to relational bonding and how sexual abstinence is so important to marriage and how it relates to the process of bonding.

I'll give you what they call, The Twelve Steps of Bonding, in it's short form. When I talked about these steps to my youth ministry; I had a couple of senior girls who went to college and would say, "Step Eight!!" as their accountability mantra during their dating years.

I'd ask you to consider if these steps are something you enjoy reading and sharing with your group to consider having me come and do a "Guard Your Heart" retreat for your youth ministry. The info and time spent on such an important subject that teens want to hear is well worth it's weight in gold.
Contact me at ministry@vincefarrell.com Enjoy!

12 Steps of Bonding
1. Eye to Body: A glance reveals much about a person.
2. Eye to Eye: When the man and woman who are strangers to each other exchange glances, this is the first step to determine if the relationship moves forward.
3. Voice to Voice: During this long stage the two people learn much about the other. If they're compatible, they become friends.
4. Hand to Hand: The first instance of physical contact between the couple is usually a non-romantic occasion. However, if continued, the hand-to-hand contact will eventually become an evidence of the couple's romantic attachment to each other.
5. Hand to Shoulder: The hand-to-shoulder contact reveals a relationship that is more than close friendship, but probably not real love.

(Again let me interject that I am just giving you the highlights to these steps and not the full description)

6. Hand to Waist: Because this is something that two people of the same sex would not ordinarily do, it is romantic.
7. Face to Face: This level of contact involves gazing into one another's eyes, hugging and kissing.
8. Hand to Head: This is an extension of the previous stage; kissing while stroking each other's head. Rarely do individuals in our culture touch the head of another person unless they are either romantically involved. It is a designation of emotional closeness.

9-12 The Final Steps: The last four levels on involvement are distinctly sexual and intensely private; and because this is on a blog and not something I'm sharing in the confines of a group discussion, I'll leave the last four steps off, you can contact me if you'd like to know. I will however point out that it's step 12 that is the final act of intercourse; with that said I point out to those listening, in our culture we skip the steps and are usually all over the place when in comes to meaningful bonding. No wonder so many marriages in in divorce after only 3 to 7 years.
God has the perfect design for your relationship, one that is to be entered into slowly.

As my college girls would say, "Step Eight! You're going too fast!"


Visit www.vincefarrell.com or contact me at ministry@vincefarrell.com

The Base Level

I was asked to post this after preaching it to a church. I usually preach this every February.

Honestly, I was kinda worried that I might not get to share it this year; however it has turn out that I've had the opportunity to share this message to three different churches in three different settings.
Youth.
Adults.
Pastors.

So, it's still the month of love and here are some thoughts to encourage the ladies what to look for in a guy before dating him or getting married---for us guys, what to become before saying I do to any of those two offers.

Keep in mind ladies that there is a difference between a guy who is not quite here but is trying to get there and a guy who has no desire to be this type of man.

Guys, I hope that you would see these character traits and ask God to give you the grace to want to be a better man tomorrow than today. I don't think any of us are there yet, but the point is to want to get there.

I'll write this in the context to the ladies, but guys take note.


Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her...


1. Leads in Love
Does he know what love is? Do you? This scripture says that the man is to love his wife just like Christ loved the church. What is Love? Simply, an act of the will that is accompanied by emotion that leads to action on behalf of it's object.
Christ said, "Father not my will but your will be done." He sweat drops of blood in His prayer. He died for our sins. For our benefit.
Love is to make a choice to live for someone else's benefit.
Men, are you leading in love?
Ladies, are you dating a guy who understands this?

Ephesians 5:26 ...that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,...

2. Leads in the Word
I see with women this digression process in dating. Ask any young Christian girl who she wants to marry and she'll say something to the effect, "I want a man of God who's a spiritual giant like a Billy Graham with the body of Vince Farrell." (ok, maybe not word for word) ask her when she's in her early twenties and it's "I want a good Godly man." If she's still single in her early thirties it's, "someone who knows where a church is at."
The question here is, "can he disciple you in the Word of God?" That's why if you're dating a guy who is not a believer, you are so off course on what the base level is!!! Listen ladies, when you date a guy who can not lead you in the ways of God; you are setting your family up for destruction! You are saying to this guy, "hey, I know you could care less about doing life the way God commands and I'd like you to raise my children one day the same way."
Ladies, if he's not that into Jesus...don't be that into him.
Guys, we want to be men who seek God and His ways for our life.

Ephesians 5:27 ...t He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish....

3. Leads in Purity
Deep down in the heart of every guy, on their wedding day, they want to see those doors open and their bride walking down in a white dress. Because that white dress means, "mine." Not Tom's, Bill's, Ed's, Paul's.....mine! No one else's. A guy who leads in purity is a man who is concerned about one day being able to present her to himself. See ladies if you understood that his is how a majority of men (at least the ones worth dating) think, then you'd understand what's really being said when he asks to give yourself to him sexually. What a guy is really saying when he asks you to "take the relationship to the next level" is, "hey I've got some urges and desires right now that I need you to fulfill, thus becoming the type of lady I really have no interest in marring."
Ladies, is he radically concerned about keeping you pure?
Men, if you pick her up for a date and she's looking all fine and your hormones start to kick in....ask her if you can bring her younger brother on the date with you two, or her dad......you go extreme to keep her pure.

Ephesians 5:28-29...So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church....

4. Leads in Selflessness

Do I have to explain this one? I'll be honest, many times us guys do things during the dating process to get the girl. Things we don't do for others that we all of the sudden do for her. Open the car door, bring flowers, buy gifts, give back massages, etc. This is the "wooing" of dating. It's the truth. If you don't believe me ask a guy when was the last time he did any of those things for his buddies? We woo, and woo, and woo and when we have you, we woe!

Ladies, understand the difference in a guy who is "wooing" you or who has your needs at the top of his list.

Guys, the rubber meets the road for us when we get married. As I mentioned, we tend to stop once the ring is on the finger. I challenge you to turn off the TV, cell phone, or PlayStation. Ask her how you can be less selfish. Start opening car doors again. If anyone in you house has to do without, who would it be?

Hope you enjoyed these thoughts from God's Word. I pray that you would look at these four characteristics and really make them the base level in what to look for in a guy.

As a guy, my prayer is "to do better today than I did yesterday and better tomorrow than today.